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Men’s Support Group to Deconstruct Toxic Masculinity Forming

Sep 30, 2026 | Coaching, IFS, Parts Work, Relationships, Tom O'Reilly, Trauma

Men’s Support Group to Deconstruct Toxic Masculinity Forming

The horrific yet also unsurprising news about the Cornell 7 this week have me reflecting on I have been reflecting on brotherhood.  About what it means to be in community with men. So often, the price for acceptance by other men is to become complicit in their misogyny. Other men expect us to turn a blind eye to sexual violence. Ours is a culture that proudly elected a rapist president, twice. It is considered “normal” for male communities allow gender violence to be swept under the rug. I was raised in the bowels of an ascendant Christian Nationalist movement. In my own family, misogyny was modeled and celebrated. My churches emphasized a woman’s submission and sacrifice, instead of her safety and dignity. The Christian Nationalist movement has a pattern of closing ranks around abusers in leadership; victims who ask for justice are seen as distractions from the work of God. Victims who dare to go public are treated like diseased limbs to be pruned from the tree.
I remember feeling uncomfortable with the misogyny around me. It confused me that men were so eager to dominate another human being.
After working with my parts to deconstruct my upbringing, I have to credit the secure attachment with my mom. Therapists would call my relationship with my mom a protective factor- a woman I connected to and looked up to in house of seven other males. (Yes, I have five brothers).
When I met my wife, she was working at a rape crisis center. Since she was there almost every weekend, I got trained as a volunteer sexual assault counselor and started volunteering. As one of the only men, I mostly got put to work moving boxes and setting up email accounts, but I learned a lot about rape culture. Then I ended up working in a job designing case management software for agencies that support survivors of sexual violence. In some way sexual violence prevention work has been part of my life every day since my 20’s.  My wife Charity is a survivor too, and she taught me a lot about the horror of being a woman in the world.
Tom advocating for women's rights

Advocacy is something I am passionate about

After leaving my sheltered life in Christian Nationalism, I thought I the wider culture would treat people better. Instead, I found that Christian Nationalism was just religious paint over the shared American attitudes of Patriarchy, White Supremacy, and Capitalism. These are the values America was built on.
I’ve internalized a lot in my life because of the culture I grew up in- the same culture that proudly endorsed a rapist president, thrice- but I’ve also been lucky because of the people and places I’ve ended up in as an adult to internalize a lot about healing. About untangling the roots of shame that keep us divorced from our own feelings, which in turn separate us from empathy.

I’ve become passionate about helping men find their way on this path to emotional healing, too. For the past 3 years I’ve been a parts work coach, and while many of my clients are women, I get really excited every time a new man reaches out for help. I feel like it’s my calling to help them walk away from the path of gender violence- which we turn both outward and inward- to heal the parts of themselves that have been buried beneath shame, and to step into the light of emotional wholeness.

I’m starting a men’s group this fall. We will be getting to know our parts and decontsructing toxic masculinity together. Some healing happens best in community. If you or a man you know could use deep connection with both yourself and other men, just reach out. You can always find me at https://thomasoreilly.com/

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Trauma Therapist Charity O-Reilly

Hi, I’m Charity, a trauma therapist who is most often found reading with a cozy cup of tea on the couch.

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EMDR
Trauma
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