This week, I published an #iamjanedoe post in response to the news about the Cornell 7 rapists. I didn’t expect it to go viral, but it did- over half a million views in just a few days (you can see it here). Hundreds of people commented on it to share their own stories of sexual assault and trauma, and the comments are still pouring in. In fact, I’ve had to start turning them off every night, because in addition to the beautiful shares, the creepy crawlies come out at night to say disgusting and disturbing things. It’s given me a feeling of empowerment to block, report, and then publically call out every one in my stories.
It’s far more empowering, though, to hold space for those sharing their stories of survival- it’s literally what I have built my life around. I worked in a rape crisis center for the first 17 years of my career, and my practice is still designed to support people healing from sexual trauma. Nothing lights me up more.
And yet if the universe had let me pick which post should go viral, I wouldn’t have picked that one. I would have picked this one:
12 Things I wish Every Joe Doe Knew (an actual post I did the same week. Content warning for child sexual abuse and adult sexual assault)
- The freeze response is the most normal response in the world. It’s simple neuroscience. Just like prey animals, our bodies and brains are designed to react to threat by “playing dead.” It’s called tonic immobility. Enormous amounts of stress chemicals are released into your bloodstream during sexual trauma that create a freeze.
- Because of that, one of the most important things you can do in your healing journey is release those stress chemicals from your body. The freeze response creates a powerful chemical response in our bodies that does a lot of damage through the Cell Danger Response. Breath work, movement, even humming and crying help move these chemicals out. Discharge is crucial in healing.
- Most people know, love, or trust the person who assaults them. My grandfather sexually abused me from 3 to 10 years old. I trusted the ER doctor who assaulted me at 17 to provide me with medical care, not lifelong trauma. And I trusted the coworker who assaulted me to be my mentor as a baby therapist, not to create a trauma that gave me flashbacks every time I walked into the office for years. If you had a close relationship with the person who harmed you, you are not alone…you are in the norm. This dynamic makes the trauma even more confusing and the shame more intense. It leads us to blame ourselves for something that was never our fault as our brain gropes for ways to make sense of something incomprehensible.
- Sexual trauma leads to more sexual trauma. I hate this one. It’s so unfair; but it’s true. Sexual trauma creates vulnerability that other predators then exploit, including dissociation, isolation, and substance abuse. In children, in creates the belief that sexual abuse is normal and something that happens to everyone. That’s part of the grooming process that allows childhood sexual abuse to proliferate. It’s intentional, just like all of our systems that uphold rape culture are.
- Men are sexually assaulted too. I’ve had people ask on my post, “Why are there no John Does?” There are. Statistically, one in six boys is sexually assaulted by the age of 18. But our culture makes it almost impossible for men to name this. I know the amount of hate I’ve gotten on my post; I can’t even imagine what it would be like if I were a man. It’s also worth noting that women sexually abuse and assault others, too. Not all perpetrators are male and not all victims are female. Tom and I made a reel about that this week, as well as the prevalence of sexual assault of trans folks, with our friend Finn- you can check it out here. And if you are male survivor, check out the resource One in Six.
- Our inner children can heal! Your inner child might have learned all the wrong lessons. But now that you’re a grown up, you get to re-teach them all the right ones about how good and worthy they are. About how she can keep her safe now. About taking your voice and your power back.
- You are allowed to walk away from anything. I know this one is hard because you couldn’t walk away then. That’s exactly why it’s so powerful to do it now. You can walk away from any person, job, or situation that is causing you harm. You are allowed to protect yourself! And to protect your peace.
- Your voice matters. I know…you didn’t get to have a voice when you were being abused or assaulted. But you do have one now. It might be rusty from disuse…so use it! Scream, share, speak your truth even when your voice shakes! And vote!!!
- Everything your system has done since then was it trying to heal. Yes, everything. It’s true! Dissociation, flashbacks, hypervigilence, people pleasing, fawning, panic attacks, nightmares…all ways your nervous system is trying to figure out how to get back to homeostasis. It probably needs some help in the form of therapy to get there, but we can give it gratitude for all it’s tried to do!
- Your body can become your friend again. Trauma sensitive yoga, which is basically just listening to your body and giving her what she needs, saved my life. Whatever it takes for you to befriend your body, please do it. It’s not just a vessel for trauma and hate. It’s a conduit for healing and love. And it deserves to feel good things!
- Healing is possible!!! We will spend our lives doing it, but it gets so much better, I promise. I’m finally living the life of my dreams as an author and international speaker, as well as the owner of the therapy practice I wish had existed when I first started to heal. And I’m still healing every day. The journey is so worth it.
- Last but certainly not least…you are not alone. I know you were alone then. You are not alone now. Look around. We are all Jane Doe. (When I first wrote this, there were around 100 #iamjanedoe hashtags on instagram. Today there are nearly 20,000). Support is always available. You can contact RAINN (the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) 24 hours a day by texting “HOPE” to 64673. And my online trauma healing course is available 24 hours a day, too. I dive deep into all the topics here and more, in 12 hours of video workshops, practices, and worksheets. My policy has always been that I’ll give anyone who needs it a discount of any amount, all the way down to free. Just reach out.
What do you wish every Jane Doe knew about healing from sexual trauma?
