Today, I revisited my ADHD past through a time machine that is – my old external hard drive. I found a folder that had almost all of my old programming projects. I’m a self-taught programmer, so there’s definitely a lot of embarrassment along my path, but I’ve also learned a lot of lessons about my ADHD.
I started programming in law school, because I discovered that practicing law was incompatible with my disabilities. Practicing attorneys need to keep to strict deadlines, pay careful attention to detail, retain emotional objectivity, and manage an incredible scope of information. These are all challenges to an ADHD brain like mine.
While I found the practice of law to be soul-crushing; I’d always harbored a fascination with the dark magic of programming. I spent hours reading tech news instead of doing legal research. I began to teach myself how to program using W3Schools tutorials. It was a “Hail Mary” to find a livable path for myself.
My Curriculum Vitae
Bccpreschool.org – This was the first website I ever built. It was for my mom’s preschool. It’s the programmer equivalent of the childhood art I used to draw in crayon for my mom – but I was 22 years old at the time. This was my baby-steps towards creating a new career for myself. Thanks, Mom!
NY-Code – this was a web app that was supposed to scrape New York State’s official code, and then make it user-friendly. To the maintainers of this website, I am so sorry for the denial-of-service attack. I had no idea what I was doing. To the students at Albany Law School, I am sorry I got the IP of the entire law school blocked.
Pro-Bono – I helped a fellow law student design a website for his pro-bono initiative. He needed legitimacy for his organization; I needed 10 hours of pro-bono legal work to graduate. I designed the website for free; and he made sure my time programming counted towards my pro-bono hours. I probably wouldn’t have graduated with your help, Daniel.
Document-Manager – My dream was a file-system database. Because cases involve thousands of files from evidence to case law, I wanted to create a database to help me manage it. It was my intuitive attempt to overcome the limitations of my working memory.
Legal-Screen-Grab / BestEvidence – This application was supposed to capture screenshots off your social media page. I created this project as an alternative to producing a thesis paper for my Federal Rules of Civil Procedure class, because I could not do one more thesis paper.
ODF-Bibliography – Nearly every statement in a legal brief needs a citation. My ADHD brain could barely handle the context of writing a full legal brief, much less keeping my citations organized. However, this challenge did create a special interest for me about how to manage citations in software. I had a small blog where I detailed the technical methods for storing citations. I was really proud of my work, but sadly, I lost all of the content for this blog.
Lazu – This is a project I still work on as a hobby. It’s primarily a document editor, but it’s presented as a collapsible outline. It’s designed to minimize any possible distraction, and make it easy to find my place again when I do get distracted. My hope is to be able to produce writings that are longer than 15 pages – which is the point I am no longer able to keep track of my ideas and organization.
I also created multiple websites over time, including for law firms. And this is probably the fourth website I was involved with for Charity’s private practice. Each of the projects on my hard drive represents a step on my journey of growth.
Lessons Learned
I know that I have learned a lot from my projects. But sad was the first emotion I felt towards them.
- I feel sad about losing my ODF-Bibliography work.
- I feel sad about not completing any of these projects so far. There is so much lost effort, because my ADHD and perfectionism kept me from completing anything.
- I feel sadness for the person that I was when I was creating these initial projects. I was trapped in my ADHD brain without understanding it. Every project represented my brain’s attempt to get me out of my predicament of laboring in the legal system.
There are a lot of things that I lost because of ADHD. However, my wife helped me to see that there are a lot to feel proud of as well.
- I found creative ways to use my programming interest to finally escape the hell of law school with my degree.
- My self-taught skills improved so much that I am paid to work in tech.
- I thought deeply about how technology could support my ADHD, and find solutions to problem I didn’t know I had.
My failures forced me to redefine success in way that was more authentic and healthy. If I had succeeded at my projects, I might never have confronted my toxic beliefs that my worth was tied to my productivity.
While proud of my accomplishments, I recognize that my life today is only possible with the immense privilege I was born into. I was so depleted after law school, that it took years of patience of friends and family to help me find my path again.
Today, I would like to shout out to ADHDers whose resources do not match their dreams or ambitions. That is something I struggle with every day. However, part of my passion as a coach is holding space for your Parts that feel burdened by this reality. Here are some of the things you can tell your Parts:
- You are worthy just as you are. Nothing you can produce will change your worth.
- You have permission to grieve losses that you experience due to your disability.
- Your challenges are real, and cannot be overcome by will power.
- Notice who you feel jealous of. It’s a way that our Parts can speak to us about what their ideal self looks like.
What are some of the lessons that you have learned during your ADHD journey?
Finally, why did I call one of my projects “Lazu”? It’s because my journey has taught me that there is no such thing as lazy. Now, when I see the word ‘lazy’, I replace in my brain with ‘lazu.’ Since I created the word, I define it to mean “Gentle acceptance that I am doing the best I can, and that’s enough.”
