I just had a bad first session with a therapist. I wanted to share my experience as a PSA for those seeking or offering therapy.
We’d had a consult a couple of weeks before, which I think is a really important step when finding a therapist. Of all my consults, he was the only one that seemed like a good fit. Sadly, it turned out not to be the case.
Just to start with…The therapist was defensive. I messaged him for the meeting link, but he didn’t respond until 6 minutes after the session was supposed to start. Instead of apologizing, he made it sound like it was my fault for not signing up for text reminders. As an ADHD person who struggles with things like that, I knew this feeling of judgement was not going to serve me well in therapy. My parts could tell that his parts were activated (yay neuroception!) but I was also aware it’s not my job to make a therapists parts feel better in session. Still, I had some parts that wanted to try, and that was an unnecessary stress for me to manage in the session. (Helpful hint: Your therapist should take responsibility for and manage their own emotions, not let them leak onto you in your sessions. And they definitely shouldn’t be judging you for your mental health symptoms.)
When we started session, he began by asking about my other consults – that can be appropriate. I told him about how crazy my one consult was with a CBT therapist. He seemed pretty annoyed at that other therapist, and proceeded to break down all of the problems with the other therapist – which was my first real clue that I might not be good fit with him either. (I know the problems with the other therapist; I want to spend my time talking about me.)
The next 15 minutes were him explaining his spiritual awakening that he had last year, and how it’s changed everything about how he sees the world. (But no, he doesn’t follow the news.) By this point, I was starting to be worried that he was going to encourage spirituality as the best way to cope with my stress about the state of the world. I named this, and said I didn’t think he was the right fit for me, but he interrupted and said he thought he was. He finally asked me to tell him more about myself.
After I gave a run-down about how current world events are impacting my mood and mental state, he didn’t ask clarifying follow-up questions. He advertises himself as an IFS therapist, but didn’t use any IFS therapeutic skills like asking me to notice the sensations of my body. As an IFS coach, I use more skills in a typical moment when I notice my own emotions and parts than were offered in the entire session.
I kept trying to wind down the session. He kept me over the allotted time of a session by refusing to say goodbye. He continued talking about how I needed to keep an open mind about therapy with him. This happened with some of my other consults too, which felt like a weird power play. Since one of the things I’m seeking therapy to work on is how my relationship with my parents impacts me, this is not a great feeling. Maybe I should have just ended the call, but therapy is a weird power dynamic and I was already pretty tired from managing all the other things that had come up in the 45 minutes. Again, I know enough to know me and my parts shouldn’t have to manage things in therapy. It should be a safe space to explore anything I need without judgement or a power struggle, a place to truly be me, and that’s just the baseline.
So, still seeking a new therapist, but I wanted to affirm you that if you’re out there looking too, you are allowed to try as many as you need to find the right fit. Always ask for a free consult so you can rule people out before committing. So far, I feel like I have been wasting a lot of time and money, and it’s frustrating. But I really believe in good therapy, and I am going to keep trying.
